Why we don't change: the difficulty of transformation vs. the desire to be different
August 5 2011, 7:24 AM
If you discuss areas of your life that you are unsatisfied with, others
will say, more or less: you should change. You will agree: yes, I should
change. I should eat better, sleep longer, work less, exercise more, quit
smoking, quit worrying, start travelling, start living. I should change and
do all those things, you say. But you don't. I think a big explanation is that we don't want to Change: we want to be
Different. We want to avoid the transformative aspect of Change. The
transformative aspect is hard: we struggle and even fail in trying to
transform from our lesser to our better selves. That can be a painful trip,
and who wants a painful trip. Rather we want to go from A to Z, bypassing B
to Y. We want to finish the marathon, no run it or train for it. Or we
simply want to not be what we currently are: we don't know where Z is, but
we know we don't want to be hanging 'round A anymore. What I would recommend is a cliche, but with some additional comment. You
have to make it about the journey, not the destination. You need to
creatively think about how to make the process of change the thing you are
seeking, not the end result. If you can do that, if you can come up with
ways of making the transformation as enjoyable as the end result, then you
can go from wanting to be Different to Changing. Rather than wanting to
lose weight, make it about eating better foods that you enjoy. Rather than
trying to sleep more, make it about enjoying going to bed more and getting
up later. These are some trivial examples: once you change the focus, you
may find it easier to Change in whatever you want. Thanks for reading this. And if you commented, thank you very much.
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will say, more or less: you should change. You will agree: yes, I should
change. I should eat better, sleep longer, work less, exercise more, quit
smoking, quit worrying, start travelling, start living. I should change and
do all those things, you say. But you don't. I think a big explanation is that we don't want to Change: we want to be
Different. We want to avoid the transformative aspect of Change. The
transformative aspect is hard: we struggle and even fail in trying to
transform from our lesser to our better selves. That can be a painful trip,
and who wants a painful trip. Rather we want to go from A to Z, bypassing B
to Y. We want to finish the marathon, no run it or train for it. Or we
simply want to not be what we currently are: we don't know where Z is, but
we know we don't want to be hanging 'round A anymore. What I would recommend is a cliche, but with some additional comment. You
have to make it about the journey, not the destination. You need to
creatively think about how to make the process of change the thing you are
seeking, not the end result. If you can do that, if you can come up with
ways of making the transformation as enjoyable as the end result, then you
can go from wanting to be Different to Changing. Rather than wanting to
lose weight, make it about eating better foods that you enjoy. Rather than
trying to sleep more, make it about enjoying going to bed more and getting
up later. These are some trivial examples: once you change the focus, you
may find it easier to Change in whatever you want. Thanks for reading this. And if you commented, thank you very much.
-----------------
Sent from my BlackBerry Handheld.
64 views and 2 responses
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Aug 5 2011, 10:26 AMTom Plaskon responded:I think the biggest hindrance to change is genetic. Evolution formed humans to be conservative. If you haven't died yet doing what you're doing, keep doing it. Only change if you are forced to by external factors.
Also, I think people are often supportive of change when you are talking about it but much less supportive when a person actually tries to implement it. In fact, people are often hostile to those close to them that are actively trying to change. They don't want to change and they don't want others changing to affect them.
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Aug 5 2011, 10:39 AMBernie Michalik responded:Good points, Tom. For some people, certain changes are easier. I find certain changes easy to adapt and others are painful. And some of that is physiological.
I also agree: some changes you want to make have dependencies on others. But I still think there is alot more changing we can do than we care to admit, because if we admit it, we ask ourselves: why aren't we doing it.